Saturday, August 04, 2012

Where Did the Dancing Go?

Last night about 2 AM I was reading my Facebook stream and a local group was advertising a showcase.  To my surprise and delight the organizer was a dancer I used to cross paths with quite a lot.  You know how you are part of a belly dancing sphere and you bump into people a lot coming and going to classes and conventions and what not.  I wouldn't say we were ever more than acquaintances.  Even then (twenty years ago) she was locally famous. I also doubt she'd remember me as more than a face in the crowd.

The painful part is where as about ten years ago my belly dance career ground to a halt as I got older, fatter, more frustrated and just slowly lost my desire to persevere with my dancing goals, other dancers my age and older didn't give up.  Now they are teaching at conventions, performing all over the world, performing at local restaurants and so on. Many of them are older than me, some by a lot. 

Basically life got me down. One of the places I taught at went under. The other place I taught had shoddy management that got real bad about paying people. I got some really harsh criticism following some dance gigs.  It just all piled on top of me along with mundane problems like poverty and not being able to build my own dance studio. Right now I don't even own a car.

But seeing her website last night I realized quitting was the wrong thing to do. I just don't know how to get back to where I once was, mentally, emotionally or physically. I want it back but I don't even know where to start. I don't even think I could survive a dance class right now, much less teach one. At 3 AM I finally went to bed. This morning, I'd hoped to feel better about it but if anything I feel worse.